Review - Time Trips: The Death Pit by AL Kennedy

What with all that post-anniversary comedown, some new Doctor Who was sorely needed to ease the pain. A brand new Fourth Doctor novella from A.L. Kennedy, you say? That'll do nicely! Especially following on from some brand new Tom in The Day of the Doctor...

Over 2013 I've got used to a new e-book coming out every month, so it's nice to continue this tradition with the new Time Trips series. They're a bit longer (and a bit cheaper) than their predecessors and seem to feature Doctors in random order (presumably as chosen by the authors).

The Death Pit is set at a Scottish hotel in the '70s and concerns dissatisfied 24-year-old Junior Day Receptionist (or, as she points out, Only Day Receptionist) Bryony Mailer, "possibly the most inquisitive human alive on Earth at that time". It's not a very nice hotel, mainly frequented by boring golfers and their bored wives, but it still seems odd that people are disappearing from the golf course never to be seen again. There are other oddities too - the elderly hotel owner is never seen, and there's something a bit unusual about her twin grandchildren. Then a stranger, a particularly strange stranger, turns up...

I detected a distinct Douglas Adams-esque flavour to the writing at times ("He was flailing about in the pit like someone who had just found out a great deal of new and unpleasant information about life..."), which makes it seem very fitting that one of the characters is actually called David Agnew (a pseudonym used at various times in Doctor Who, including famously by Adams and others on "City of Death").The Fourth Doctor is travelling solo post-Deadly Assassin, and seems to be on the lookout for a new companion, at least if his many approving thoughts (we spend quite a lot of time in the Doctor's head here) about Bryony are anything to go by.

I enjoyed this story, although I did get a bit confused towards the end, and was left wondering about certain characters. Possibly that's a failing on my part, though. All in all, a good read which is certainly worth the price tag. I look forward to the rest of the series.

The FIve(ish) Doctors Reboot: Transcript

(SEAN PERTWEE and OLIVIA COLMAN are sitting in garden chairs, preparing for filming)
SEAN: Got anything nice coming up?
OLIVIA: Oh, y'know, so-so. Just erm, a couple of nice projects with Nick Frost. David Nicholls' next thing. And Broadchurch too, of course. You?
SEAN: Yeah, not, not bad, actually. I'm off to Prague first thing in the morning, and I'm going to do a series Stateside, but I can't really talk about that right now, y'know.
OLIVIA: Nice.
(pause)
OLIVIA: What about the Five Doctors Reboot thing?
SEAN: No, couldn't get a look in.
OLIVIA: No, nor could I.
(Pause)
OLIVIA: I'm usually in everything.

(CHRISTMAS DAY 2012)
(Peter Davison's house. He and his sons Joel and Louis - one of whom is behind the sofa - are watching The Snowmen. PETER switches the TV off as the end credits roll.)
CHILD 1: So, Doctor Who's been going on for fifty years now?
PETER: That's right.
CHILD 2: Is there going to be an anniversary special next year, Dad?
PETER: Oh, I'm sure there will be.
CHILD 1: Yeah, but will you be in it?
PETER: I dunno. I'm sure they'll have more than one Doctor.
CHILD 2: So - it could just be like, Matt Smith and David Tennant?
PETER: Well... I suppose it could be....
BOTH BOYS: Great! Yeah! (Jump up and run out. Peter looks nonplussed.)

(OPENING TITLES, DOCTOR WHO THEME. PETER DAVISON. SYLVESTER MCCOY. COLIN BAKER. PAUL MCGANN. THE FIVE(ISH) DOCTORS REBOOT. WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY PETER DAVISON)

(BBC Television Centre)
(Dream sequence)
MATT SMITH: Peter! Peter, really, this is such a great honour. Thank you for coming, thank you so much!
JENNA COLEMAN: You were always my mother's favourite. (Camera moves on, then back again) You were always my favourite.
STEVEN MOFFAT: I have dedicated the 50th anniversary script to you.
(Close up on script: "Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special. For Peter Davison, my Doctor.")
MAKE-UP LADIES (3rd assistant director Heddi-Joy Taylor-Welch, assistant director Louisa Cavel, costume person Lauren Kilcar):
- Please sit down, Mr Davison.
- You haven't changed a bit.
- You're so wonderful.
- Bless you!
COSTUME GUY (assistant director James DeHaviland): I'll just put your costume in your Winnebago, Mr Davison.
JANET FIELDING: You're dreaming, Pete. They're not gonna call you. They're not gonna call any of you. They don't want you, Pete!
(Off screen) Get up and walk the dog, Pete!
(He wakes up in bed)
(Off screen voice) GET UP AND WALK THE DOG!
(He reluctantly gets up)

(PETER on the phone, being dragged down the street by his dog)
PETER: No no, you don't understand, you're my agent! I'm just calling to see if they've rung about the 50th anniversary special!

(FEBRUARY 2013. SYLVESTER MCCOY at airport, pushing a luggage trolley. He is wearing a Hobbit t-shirt and checking his phone.)
PHONE: You have no new messages.
(SYLVESTER looks disappointed.)

(COLIN BAKER is sitting at his kitchen table, reading a Sixth Doctor magazine supplement, looking at the silent phone)

(PETER DAVISON at his own kitchen table, his silent phones in front of him, waiting in increasing frustration)

(SYLVESTER MCCOY sitting on sofa with his silent phone)

(MARCH 2013. PETER DAVISON is driving his car)
RADIO: That was John Barrowman there with I Am What I Am, lovely stuff. Now talking of John Barrowman, it's the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who. And it's been announced today that there'll be a special on television for the 50th anniversary. Do you think they'll bring back all the old Doctors, like they used to do ? I hope they will. Er, who was your favourite Doctor. Mine was.... probably Peter Cushing. Controversial decision but -
(PETER dials a number on his phone)

(His daughter, GEORGIA MOFFETT, is sitting in the garden as her phone rings. She is heavily pregnant. She looks at the phone and pulls a face.)

PETER'S PHONE: .... is not available. Please leave a message

(GEORGIA digs into a tub of ice cream with a huge stick of celery) Mmmm.

(PETER arriving at a hotel)
PETER: Hello, I'm just, er, checking in.
RECEPTIONIST (CHIDO NYASHANU): Hello, sir. May I take your name, please?
PETER (taking off his sunglasses): It's Peter Davison.
RECEPTIONIST: Peter Davidson. (checks computer)
PETER: Do I have any messages?
RECEPTIONIST: No.
(PETER looks disgruntled)

(PETER signing autographs. A girl in a Tom Baker t-shirt - OLIVIA DARNLEY - approaches)
OLIVIA: It's for Kourtney. With a K.
(Peter signs photograph of himself as the Fifth Doctor)
OLIVIA: Mr Davison - are you going to be featured in the 50th anniversary sp....
PETER: Next!

(BBC. woman - it's actually NIKY WARDLEY who plays Tamsin Drew in the audios) surrounded by model Daleks, answering phone)
NIKY: Doctor Who production office.
PETER (still at convention): Yes, hi. My name is Peter Davison, I was, er, Doctor number five, actually, in the classic era, way back in the day. Still alive and kicking though, you know. (He passes an Ood.)
NIKY (looks bored)
PETER: Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that you have my mobile number, just in case... Steven, or.... anybody wanted to get in touch. 50th anniversary special, and all that.
NIKY (wearily): Didn't you call yesterday?
PETER: Well - yes, I - I may have called yesterday...
NIKY: No, you did. Call yesterday. And the day before that. You wanted to make sure I had the right number for you. 50th anniversary special, and all that?
PETER: Look, I don't suppose Steven's there, is he?
NIKY: Please hold.
STEVEN MOFFAT: Yes?
NIKY: I've got another one on the phone.
STEVEN: Which one?
NIKY: Number five, I think?
STEVEN: Tell him I'm in a meeting and put him through to voicemail.
(Returns to playing with his Tenth and Eleventh Doctor action figures and TARDIS)
Now then. Where were we?
NIKY (picking up phone) Yes, Steven?
STEVEN: And make sure we are not disturbed for the rest of the day.
NIKY (baffled): We?

(STEVEN MOFFAT in car, listening to his voicemails)
PETER: ... and then I could turn up with my celery antidote, and save Matt! And then it would....
(STEVEN presses button. Message deleted.)

(COLIN BAKER is reading The Hobbit, next to the phone.)
MARION (Colin's wife): Since all you've done for the last four weeks is stare at that telephone, do you think there's a chance you might come and help me down in the garden?
COLIN: Which part of the garden?
MARION: Right down the bottom.
COLIN: Well, the thing is, you don't get much of a signal down at the bottom!
MARION: But surely, if somebody rings, they'll leave a message!
COLIN: All right. I'll be there in a minute. (MARION goes out)

(SYLVESTER MCCOY at airport, on phone, still wearing his Hobbit t-shirt)
SYLVESTER: I just wanted to let Steven know that although I'm filming The Hobbit at the moment - it's a big blockbuster movie directed by Oscar-winning Peter Jackson - erm, I think I will be available to film the 50th anniversary.... oh. Oh, right. And leave a voicemail. Oh. All right then. Yeah. Hi, Steven? It's Sylvester here. I'm filming The Hobbit at the moment, with Peter Jackson...

(COLIN, in garden, on phone)
COLIN: This is Colin Baker speaking. The sixth Doctor Who? Could you put me through to.... what do you mean, "oh no, not another one"?
(MARION is gardening furiously)

(STEVEN MOFFAT in car on phone, listening to his messages)
SYLVESTER: ... meets the Hobbit, and I could be in it twice!...
(Message deleted. Next new message.)
COLIN: Steven! Er, Colin here! How about this? The TARDIS materialises in the jungle! Exactly where I'm filming I'm a Celebri....
(Steven presses button)
PHONE: Doctors deleted. You have no more messages.

(PETER DAVISON's house. His boys are playing Doctor Who game)
PETER (sighing): Boys. Can I talk to you for a moment? I'm afraid I have some very bad news. It seems there's a very real possibility that - I won't be in the 50th anniversary special. I know it's a mistake, but... (looks gutted) somehow I...
(Boys are not listening)
PETER: Right. OK. (Gets up and leaves)

(STEVEN MOFFAT is asleep on the sofa)
(Images of past companions appear)
KATY MANNING, LOUISE JAMESON, CAROLE ANN FORD, DEBORAH WATLING, SOPHIE ALDRED, SARAH SUTTON, LALLA WARD, K-9, ANNEKE WILLS, LISA BOWERMAN and MATTHEW WATERHOUSE.
Companions: Steven. Steven. Steven. Steven! Steven! It's me! It's Ace! (babble of voices) Steven! Steven!
MATTHEW: It's me, isn't it? (explodes) Now I'll never know if I was right!

(sTEVEN wakes up, shocked)

(Doctor Who convention. Hospitality suite. PAUL MCGANN is reading a script)
SYLVESTER: What do you think he's doing?
COLIN: Reading a script. Well, he's always reading scripts. And filming. Always filming.
SYLVESTER: It's probably for TV. I mean, who wants to do TV? It's not like it's a motion picture.
COLIN: Oh, shut up.
(PAUL's phone rings.)
COLIN: Look. This'll be his agent, I guarantee it.
(PETER comes in)
PETER: OK, I've had a call from my contact, I know the filming dates and I've got a plan.
COLIN: Your contact? Who is this contact?
PETER: Oh, I've picked up a lot of contacts over the years.
SYLVESTER: Oh, I've picked up quite a few contacts while filming The Hobbit.
(COLIN looks at him in disgust)
PETER: Anyway, my contact...
COLIN: This contact wouldn't have a Scottish accent and be married to your daughter, would he?
PETER: Ah, you see, I can't reveal that.
PAUL (on phone): Well, that's perfect, because it fits in with the other one. Yeah, excellent, excellent. Listen, by the way, er - not that I care at all, but, you haven't heard from the BBC about that Doctor Who special, have you? Nothing at all. No no no, it's OK. No, no, that's fine. Well, I'll speak to you soon. Yeah. Bye bye.
PAUL: Damn.

SYLVESTER: Do you think we should call Tom?
COLIN: Call Tom?!
PETER: Why?
SYLVESTER: Well, he might want to join the team.
COLIN: Tom??!!
PETER: Well, you call him then.
SYLVESTER: Oh no, I don't think I should call him.
PETER: Well, it's your brilliant idea!
COLIN: Oh, for heaven's sake. I've eaten possum's anus on live television. Can't be worse than that. I'll call him.

(A younger TOM BAKER as the Fourth Doctor is punting down the river with Romana in a scene from Shada, as the phone rings. Tom is sucked up into the time vortex.)

TOM (it's actually Jon Culshaw): Greetings, greetings, greetings. Well, I seem to be stuck in the sodding time vortex. Again. So I can't assist you. Just one of the many regrets of my life. Goodbye, my dears!

PAUL MCGANN: Whatever it is you're planning, I'm in. Work permitting, obviously.


SYLVESTER: Well, I'd like to get more involved, but tomorrow I'm flying to New Zealand. More filming on The Hobbit.
COLIN (sarcastically): Oh, are you in The Hobbit?! I'd no idea!
PETER: Well, when are you back?
SYLVESTER: Oh, I don't know, sometimes I sit days and days in my trailer.
PETER: Oh, get your priorities right, Sylvester, this is not some flash in the pan five million dollar picture! This is important! (Walks off, JEMMA CHURCHILL in a full Bavarian outfit scuttles after him.)
COLIN: I'd better be off home. I'm expecting a special delivery!

(COLIN arrives home)
MARION: The package!
DAUGHTERS: Did you hide it?
No, I didn't think.
Maybe he won't notice it!
He'll notice it.
COLIN: Ohhhh yes!
DAUGHTER: Told you.
COLIN: Ta-da! (Holds up copy of Vengeance on Varos DVD) One of my best. You will love it! Many say it's a classic!
(inserts into DVD player)
COLIN: Bought, of course, to replace the one that strangely went missing. Great news, though! This one has extra features! Even more of me!
(He sits down. They've all vanished.)
COLIN: You're wasting your time. (Family desperately trying to get out.) I've locked all the doors!

("THE HOBBIT" PRODUCTION UNIT, NEW ZEALAND. SYLVESTER is in his trailer)
SYLVESTER (on phone): I warned you this might happen. He likes to keep us hanging around in case he has a moment's inspiration. He probably won't. Yes, all right. I will. Well, good luck then. Bye!
(Ends call. Thinks. Looks at watch.)
SYLVESTER: Oh, to hell with it. Let's live dangerously.
(Starts writing note.)

(Plane taking off)

PETER (on phone): Colin, we're on. Thursday morning. You know where.

(Plane landing)

(PETER is picketing, on his own, wearing a Fifth Doctor t-shirt, outside Television Centre. He has a placard reading "NO 'CLASSICS'? NO 50TH!!")
(COLIN and SYLVESTER are sitting on a bench with cups of tea, watching him)
COLIN: Sugar?
SYLVESTER: Ah! Decisions. Will it make a difference?
COLIN: What?
SYLVESTER: Every great decision creates ripples.
COLIN: In your tea?
SYLVESTER: Like a big boulder dropping into a lake.
COLIN: Oh Sylvester, if you don't stop quoting yourself I'll put you back on the plane myself.
SYLVESTER: I got it a bit wrong, actually.
COLIN: Oh, what's the use of a good quote if you can't change it. You all right?
SYLVESTER: Oh, I dunno. I have this sinking feeling.

(NEW ZEALAND again. Assistant director BRUNO DUBOIS knocks on Sylvester's trailer door)
BRUNO: Sylvester? (Goes in) They're ready for you on set. (Looks round) Sylvester? (Finds note)

(LONDON, back at the picket. PETER still standing on his own.)
SYLVESTER: Do you think we should join him?
COLIN: No, leave him to it.
SYLVESTER: What's happened to Paul?
COLIN: Filming commitments.
SYLVESTER: Typical. TV? (disdainful look)
COLIN: Don't start.

(NEW ZEALAND, on the set of "The Hobbit". PETER JACKSON is told of Sylvester's absence. Looks cross.)

(LONDON. SYLVESTER's phone rings. He looks at the screen. It's Peter Jackson.)
SYLVESTER: Ohhhh dear.


(NEW ZEALAND. PETER JACKSON is dashing about looking worried. IAN MCKELLEN as Gandalf is seated on steps)
PETER JACKSON: Ian. There's a problem with Sylvester.
IAN MCKELLEN: Sylvester.... who?
PETER JACKSON: McCoy. (McKellen looks baffled.) Er - little bloke. Bird poo. He's just gone, his trailer is empty, he's left a note - some garbled nonsense about Doctor Who. The same old stuff, it's like - he's just - he's gone. Er, is there any chance, Sir Ian, that you'd be able to do the scene by yourself?
IAN MCKELLEN: Well, I'll tell you what, Peter, I think it might, ah, be a slight improvement.

(LONDON, TELEVISION CENTRE. PETER DAVISON holding up a placard - "NO CLASSICS? NO 50TH!!". JOHN BARROWMAN walks past with shopping bags.)
JOHN: Hi, Peter.
PETER: Hi, John.
(BARROWMAN returns.)
JOHN: You know they film it in Cardiff, don't you? (Laughs, walks off.)
PETER: Bugger!

(JOHN is getting into his car nearby, hears shouting. The Three Doctors are running towards him with their placards aloft.)
DOCTORS: Wait for us! Please, John!
JOHN: Dammit!
(They arrive, very out of breath.)
PETER: Any... (coughs and splutters)
COLIN: Any chance of a lift to Cardiff?
JOHN: Ah, hey guys, I can't, sorry. I'm out on the town tonight.
COLIN: Who've you got in the car with you?
(They all lean down to look in the car.)
SYLVESTER: Blimey!
PETER: I had no idea!
COLIN: Well. We'll, er, leave you to it then.
JOHN: Don't tell anyone. Please.
(They walk off.)
CHILD'S VOICE (OC): Daddy!
CHILDREN IN CAR: I'm hungry!
WOMAN IN CAR: I told you, we've got to clear out the spare room for mum's visit! So get back in the car, and let's go home. Now! (Children whining in background.)
CHILDREN (OC): Daddy, now! I'm gonna scream! AAAAAAAH!
JOHN (calling after Doctors): Hey, guys! (They turn.) Let's do it! Let's rock 'n' roll!
(All cheer.)

(JOHN driving off in car with PETER, COLIN and SYLVESTER. JOHN's “wife and kids” are left to hold up the placards - "5 Doctors 4 Justice", "No Classics? No 50th!!", "Have a heart, Classic Doctors want a part!")

(Shots of them driving down motorway accompanied by JOHN loudly singing various show tunes)

(They arrive at Roath Lock in Cardiff, he drops them off with copies of his CD and DVD)
PETER: This way.
COLIN: Hang on, isn't this the - (gives up and follows the others)

(They arrive at the Doctor Who Experience and go in)

RECEPTIONIST (actually Commercial Manager Brad Kelly): Oi!
PETER: No no, no no, we're, erm...
BRAD: That's £45, please.
(They haven't any money, offer the Barrowman stuff John gave them. He accepts with resignation and chucks the stuff in a box with lots of others.)
(The Doctors led by PETER walk through the Experience.)
COLIN: Where are we going now?
(They gaze at displays of their Doctors with their old costumes on stands.)
(PETER spots the TARDIS and leads them in delightedly.)
(All crammed into the tiny dark space inside.)
PETER: Oh.
COLIN: You really are from another planet, you know that?
PETER: This is not the real TARDIS.
COLIN: Really?
SYLVESTER: I'd like to go home now.
PETER: Plan B. (Takes out his phone.)

(GEORGIA MOFFETT is on the phone, lying on a bed)
GEORGIA: I know, I know, but Dad said if you do this one last thing then he'll stop calling us.

(DAVID TENNANT, in the brown pinstriped suit, outside a studio, on the phone)
DAVID: Yeah OK, OK, OK, OK, I'll do it. I'll do it, I'll do it. But I'd better do it now because they need me back on set in five minutes. OK. Call you later.
GEORGIA: Oh, ha...
(He's hung up)
GEORGIA: Oh. Never mind. (She's handed gas and air.)
DAVID: Something else I meant to ask her about.... (Shakes his head and walks off.)

DOCTOR: ... And push.
(GEORGIA's in hospital, giving birth, attended by "medical staff" Richard Cookson - Doctor Who script editor - and Elizabeth Morton - Peter Davison's wife.)
GEORGIA: Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

(At Roath Lock, DAVID props open an emergency exit door with a fire extinguisher. PETER and the others are hiding round a corner.)
PETER: Right. Let's go. (He has a black bag of clothes.)
SYLVESTER: Hang on. One thing. Why are we doing this?
COLIN: Why?
SYLVESTER: Well, I've travelled twelve thousand miles to get here, I'm in breach of contract, my film career's in tatters, and for what?
COLIN: He's right. What is the point? Why are we doing all this?
(PETER sighs. Stares round.)
PETER: For the fans.
COLIN: Of course! For the fans!
SYLVESTER: Right! For the fans. Let's go.
(They walk past the entrance and in through the propped-open door. They look round in confusion, go out, look round, go back in and head down the corridor - observed by two Daleks whose eyestalks swivel to follow them. Finally finding the right door they enter to find the TARDIS)
COLIN: Right. Let's do it! (They start to get changed.)

(Back at the Experience, the Fifth, Sixth and Seventh Doctor displays are missing some items of clothing...)
TY TENNANT (son of Georgia Tennant and adopted son of David): That's not right!

(Back at Roath Lock, the Doctors, wearing their old costumes - kind of - are in the TARDIS interior.)
PETER: It's a bit... busy, isn't it? I liked the old minimalist TARDIS.
SYLVESTER: I don't like all these stairs. Much too energetic. (Looks up.) And what the heck are those things? Have they turned it into a helicopter?
COLIN: And what's happened to all the lovely bright light we had in the old days? I can't be doing with this atmospheric lighting nonsense! I like to see what I'm doing! (peers at console)
PETER: Look at this, look. You lean on it, nothing happens! Doesn't wobble at all! I used to love the old wobble.
COLIN: Come on. Let's find out where they're filming.
PETER: Yeah. Right. (They follow Colin out, passing the Dalek Operators Room ("Quiet! Superior life forms at work".) and enter the studio where filming is taking place.)
DIRECTOR (actually ADAM PAUL HARVEY): Settle down, studio - and - action.
(Dalek operator BARNABY EDWARDS and writer/director NICHOLAS PEGG are in the background)
SYLVESTER (whispers): So, what now?
COLIN: Yes, how do we actually get in it?
PETER: They're quite good, aren't they? Thing is, I never really thought we'd get this far.
SYLVESTER: Oh! So... no Plan C, then?
PETER:... No.

ADAM::And cut. Moving on. Right, scene 19. Can we have three Daleks on set, please?
(The Doctors look at each other.)

VOICE: Everyone involved in Scene 19, please make their way to the studio immediately.

(Doctors hurry towards the Dalek Operators Room where three men - actually David Troughton, Nick Briggs and Frank Skinner - put down their copies of Dalek Operators Gazette upon hearing the announcement.)
NICK: Right, that's us, lads. Time to give our all.
(They get up as the door is locked from the outside and try the door.) Oi! Oi, let us out!
(Doctors scurrying away down the corridor.)
DALEK OPERATORS: Some toe-rag's locked the door!
What?
Oi! (they hammer on the door)
ADAM: I am still waiting for my three Daleks! (Three Daleks enter.) Listen to me. You cannot afford to be late. You are lucky enough to have a part in the fiftieth anniversary special of Doctor Who, right, that is something that makes you a part of the history of the show. That is something you will never forget. Do you understand?
(Daleks' eyestalks swivel to look at each other, then move up and down in a nod.)

(Dalek Operators Room - still banging and shouting "Let us out!". Then sit down and resume reading their Dalek Operators Gazettes.)
NICK: Well, it's their loss, brothers. That's the way I see it. Their loss.

ADAM: Thank you very much. Moving on to the TARDIS set - thank you Daleks, that's you done.

(Colin's voice from within Dalek) Gentlemen - I think we've done it.
(Sylvester's voice) We certainly have!
(Peter's voice) Brilliant!
(All laugh)
So - how do we get out? Oh. Eh? Er - hello?

(Security guard - script editor DEREK RITCHIE) finds door which has been propped open with fire extinguisher)
GUARD: Team! I think we have intruders!

(Back on set, voices OC) Hello? Help!

(Security guards - Marcus Elliot and film editor Michael Houghton - walk down corridor as Sontaran DAN STARKEY in a dressing gown emerges nearby)

CHRISTIAN: Hello? (All Daleks turn to look at him to his alarm)

(The Doctors, now de-Daleked, head down the corridor).
It says here the Dalek operators are also playing Zygons.
COLIN: No no, it's a mistake. Our work here is done.
SYLVESTER: Zygons? What on earth are Zygons?
CHRISTIAN: Well, I'm sure we booked you for the whole day.
PETER: Sorry. Must dash!

GUARD: Three of them. Dressed in stupid clothes. Illegal aliens, I shouldn't wonder.

(Doctors emerge into the corridor looking very pleased with themselves. Security guards come out of a door in front of them - looking for the intruders, but don't see them)

GUARD: No, no sign of them.

(Shots of guard looking for the intruders while Barrowman sings on the radio in the background...)
(Thinks he's found them but it's producer Des Hughes, production co-ordinator Gabriella Ricci and production secretary Sandra Cosfeld)
GUARD: Des. Come in, Des.

(Doctors scuttle towards exit door)
GUARD: Oi! Can I have a word with you.
Radio: Des? Any sign of them your end?
GUARD: Hang on, Doug. I'm in the middle of something here.
SYLVESTER: So, is that Rosie with an IE or a Y?
GUARD: IE. (All Doctors signing autographs)
COLIN: Funny name for a fella. (All laugh)
PETER: Any chance of you, er, unlocking the gates?
GUARD: Er, no. I can get Doug down though, if you really want...
PETER: No no no, don't bother, we'll cut through the studio.
SYLVESTER: Yes, it'll be easier...
(Thank yous all round.)

(Back on set, Doctors enter)
ADAM: Right everyone, this is the under-gallery scene....

DOUG: Any sign of them?
DES: No, not yet. I did meet three awesome blokes, though. (laughs)
DOUG: ...THREE?!
DES: Ohhhh.... (They hurry off and enter the studio where the Doctors went)

ADAM: Right, can I get everyone on the floor, please, we're gonna do a little rehearsal... (to the security guards) Sorry, guys - unless you've got fiftieth anniversary clearance, you'll have to get off the set, please. (They leave) Right everyone, this is the Under-gallery scene.

(Bus stop. COLIN is pouring champagne into paper cups.)
ALL: Cheers!
COLIN: Exterminate!
PETER (leaning into camera): You can stop now. I think we've got everything.
(VOICE OC) Cut. You have to say "cut".
PETER: Sorry. And - cut!

(Shaking hands with crew)
SYLVESTER: What's that one doing over there, hm?
COLIN: Oh, that's the "Making Of" documentary.
PETER: Ahhh.

(Shot of disembodied hand dialling a number)

SYLVESTER: I'm all at sixes and sevens.
(PETER reaches into his pocket as his phone rings)
PETER (looking at phone): Oh, I was expecting this one. (Rejects call and puts phone back in his pocket.)

PETER's VOICE ON PHONE: .... I'm not here right now, please leave a message.
RUSSELL T DAVIES: Hi, Peter? hello. It's Russell T here. Russell The Davies! ha, funny! Erm, I just thought I'd phone you because I heard you were doing this video? for the fiftieth anniversary? and I thought - well, I thought I could be in it!

(Doctors happily getting on coach)

RUSSELL:... because let's face it, there wouldn't actually be a fiftieth anniversary without me, without Russell T.

(Doctors heading down coach)

RUSSELL: I had these ideas, I thought I could appear at the end? I could like, sort of, I could save you all. You could all be trapped and I could save you, or, you could all die, and I could just be left there....

(Coach departing)

RUSSELL: I become the Doctor, a Time Lord, and - I could have a catchphrase? I could have a great catchphrase, like, my catchphrase could be "Quel dommage!". Like, "Quel dommage, Davros!". Like, and I could, like, and instead of like having a sonic screwdriver I could have and... (fades)

(COLIN and SYLVESTER are sleeping at the back of the coach. PETER is on his phone)

PHONE: The next message is 27 minutes long... (RUSSELL'S voice) Hello, Peter? Hi, Russell T here... Russell The Davies, ha, funny, erm.... I just thought I'd phone you -

("Message deleted. You have no more messages.")

(TWO WEEKS LATER. Steven Moffat and (Big Finish actor) CHRISTIAN BRASSINGTON are looking at the filmed scenes.)

CHRISTIAN: Happy?
STEVEN: Very happy.
CHRISTIAN: Great. Up next is scene 19, the Daleks attack.
STEVEN: Scene 19. 19. Right.... Three Daleks.
CHRISTIAN: Shall we - start?
STEVEN: Just wondering if we need it?
CHRISTIAN: Works just as well without it.
STEVEN: And they are Daleks...
CHRISTIAN: We're overrunning by ten minutes.
STEVEN: Are we? Great, let's cut it then.
(Dalek scene is deleted)

CREDITS
CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE

SEAN PERTWEE
OLIVIA COLMAN
PETER DAVISON
LOUIS DAVISON
JOEL DAVISON
JENNA COLEMAN
MATT SMITH
STEVEN MOFFAT
HEDDI-JOY TAYLOR-WELCH
LOUISA CAVEL
LAUREN KILCAR
JAMES DEHAVILAND
JANET FIELDING
SYLVESTER MCCOY
COLIN BAKER
RHYS THOMAS
GEORGIA MOFFETT
OLIVIA DARNLEY
NIKY WARDLEY
MARION BAKER
KATY MANNING
LOUISE JAMESON
CAROLE ANN FORD
DEBORAH WATLING
SOPHIE ALDRED
SARAH SUTTON
LALLA WARD
JOHN LEESON
ANNEKE WILLS
LISA BOWERMAN
MATTHEW WATERHOUSE
PAUL MCGANN
JON CULSHAW
JEMMA CHURCHILL
LUCY BAKER
BINDY BAKER
LALLY BAKER
ROSIE BAKER
BRUNO DUBOIS
PETER JACKSON
IAN MCKELLEN
JOHN BARROWMAN
ALICE KNIGHT
SARAH CHURM
NICK JORDAN
BRAD KELLY
DAVID TENNANT
RICHARD COOKSON
ELIZABETH MORTON
MARCUS ELLIOTT
TY TENNANT
BARNABY EDWARDS
NICHOLAS PEGG
DAVID TROUGHTON
NICHOLAS BRIGGS
FRANK SKINNER
ADAM PAUL HARVEY
DEREK RITCHIE
MICHAEL HOUGHTON
DAN STARKEY
RUSSELL T DAVIES
DES HUGHES
GABRIELLA RICCI
SANDRA COSFELD
CHRISTIAN BRASSINGTON

CHRISTIAN: OK so, up next is the Under-gallery scene.
STEVEN: That scene's definitely in, but I think we're gonna have to look at all the footage
CHRISTIAN: All the footage right from the top, OK.
(STEVEN's phone rings) Better take this

(Footage)

(ADAM's voice) Oh Zygons, right. Er, OK, you should be in costume. But it doesn't matter for this shot. Can you get shrouds for the Zygons please?
(Doctors are given sheets)
And if you guys can just - quick as you can yeah? - Get the hat off!

STEVEN: How's it looking?
CHRISTIAN: Perfect. Couldn't be better. So - here's take 1.

(The Undergallery scene begins, with the shrouded "statues" in shot.....)

... and credits.

Review: Tip of the Tongue by Patrick Ness

I’ve been enjoying this monthly series of short e-books – the only caveat being that it would be nice if they were a bit longer - but I was particularly looking forward to May’s offering, since it’s by the fabulous Patrick Ness, author of A Monster Calls and the Chaos Walking trilogy. This being the fifth month, we’re in the company of the Fifth Doctor, and advance publicity indicated that the title would be Tip of the Tongue and the companion would be Nyssa. (It's noticeable that all the Doctors so far in this series have been accompanied by just the one companion – Susan, Jamie, Jo, Leela and now Nyssa. I’m not sure if that’s intentional or perhaps a consequence of the fairly short length of the stories.)

Anyway, we’re not actually in the company of the Doctor and Nyssa that much in this story, which largely focuses on two young people in the small Maine town of Temperance, 1945. Both Jonny and Nettie are more or less outcasts – he of German Jewish parentage, she the only mixed-race girl in town. A new craze for Truth Tellers has swept the town, especially the teenagers – people are hearing what others really think of them, or where their affections do, or don’t, lie…… with inevitable consequences. Then, a strange man and woman appear….

I really enjoyed reading this. Unsurprisingly, since it’s Patrick Ness, the characters emerge strongly, particularly those of Jonny and Nettie, and the small-town atmosphere is well conveyed. Apart from a couple of brief scenes, the Doctor and Nyssa are mainly seen through Jonny’s eyes and there is little in the way of continuity, though there is a reference to recent companions. I rather liked the fact that the Doctor and his companion remain rather mysterious figures in this story - it sometimes seems like we know so much about him nowadays that it is good to see him as the enigmatic figure he once was - dropping in apparently from nowhere, and disappearing just as quickly. The plot is original, and I didn’t expect the denouement.

I’d probably rate this, along with last month’s Roots of Evil, as my favourite in this series so far.

Quote of the month: “The decent people of this town speak highly of you and the indecent…. speak very badly indeed, which counts for just as much.”

Review: Shroud of Sorrow - Tommy Donbavand

“Back in Britain, it’s just about teatime on Saturday 23 November 1963 – and the fun is about to start!”

The Doctor isn’t, as it happens, talking about a certain popular BBC programme which just happens to have started exactly then, but nevertheless this is just one of the fan-pleasing references which abound in Tommy Donbavand’s first – but hopefully not last – Doctor Who book.

Donbavand is known as the author of the popular “Scream Street” series of children’s books, which I admit I haven’t read – my daughter’s still slightly too young, and my son too old, although he'd probably have loved them ten years ago -  but on the evidence of Shroud of Sorrow I may well seek them out for her in a couple of years, because Donbavand certainly knows how to write and how to construct a gripping story.

Shroud of Sorrow was published on 11 April 2013, one of three new books – the others being The Dalek Generation by Nicholas Briggs, and Plague of the Cybermen by Justin Richards (I nearly wrote "Justin Fletcher" there - oops) – featuring the Eleventh Doctor. Shroud is, however, the only one of these to also feature new companion Clara Oswald, and since we the viewers  - currently three episodes into the “new” series - still don’t know that much about Clara, it’s interesting to see her  portrayal here. I wondered how much information Donbavand was given about Clara to enable him to write her character, and whether there would be any subtle clues regarding her mystery.

Interestingly, given the Oswald connection (though nothing is made of this), Shroud of Sorrow is set in the immediate aftermath of JFK’s assassination on 22 November 1963 – also, of course, the day before Doctor Who first appeared on our TV screens. Indeed, the fan-fest starts at the very beginning, when PC Reg Cranfield sees a face, the last one he expects, emerging from the mist near Foreman’s scrapyard on Totter’s Lane, on 23 November 1963.....

 It's not just PC Cranfield who's seeing the most unlikely faces in the most unlikely places, though. Over in the States, reeling from the shock of the President's death and in the first stages of grieving, people are also seeing faces emerging from coffee stains, from patterns of raindrops.... and they're pushing through into the real world. The Parkland Memorial Hospital, and America, and indeed the world, needs a doctor.

I enjoyed reading this very much indeed. The characterization of the Eleventh Doctor is spot on. Clara is also well portrayed, although as I don't really feel I have that strong an impression of her character yet from the TV series, it's difficult to say "this is Clara". I didn't detect any clues as to the Great Clara Mystery (then again, I'm not exactly Sherlock), although there is a possibly interesting brief little scene with Clara and the TARDIS, which is played for laughs and probably has no greater significance than that, but who knows?

In contrast to the other books released at the same time which revisit classic monsters, Shroud of Sorrow features a brand new villain, which is original and well portrayed. By the nature of this villain's modus operandi, the story inevitably packs a hefty emotional punch, particularly in the early stages, where things can become quite dark (and there's one bit in particular which I defy anybody to read without getting a lump in the throat). However, there's plenty of humour too, and things seem to change mood and direction around the middle when the Doctor enlists help from an unlikely source. This did feel a bit silly and fantastical at times, but it kind of works.

There's plenty here to reward fans who love nothing more than references to past adventures and companions (and yes, I am one of those fans, and I'm guessing Tommy Donbavand is too). Without giving too much away, I think I can still say that Chapter 14 reduced me to a quivering blob of emotion, especially when..... Spoilers!

I was intrigued beforehand that - like much speculative fiction - the plot involves the JFK assassination. However, this is really more of a plot device and starting point rather than an integral part of the story, and the actual events of the assassination are never directly addressed, nor the fact that the Ninth Doctor was, apparently, somewhere in the Dallas crowd as the motorcade passed....

All in all, a great read which I finished in less than a day. Highly recommended. Loved it. More please!

Fourth Doctor Adventures: The Auntie Matter - Jonathan Morris

I love Doctor Who and I love PG Wodehouse but never, except in my wildest dreams, did I expect there ever to be a crossover. So when I heard that Big Finish were releasing just that, the delightfully titled The Auntie Matter, it's safe to say I was quite excited.

It was hard to imagine how it would work in practice, but I wasn’t disappointed. Jonathan Morris (a writer who has done lots of excellent Doctor Who stuff) has done a great job here.

Aunts aren’t gentlemen, as Bertie Wooster once said, and these wise words are certainly true here. The characters include a typically Wodehousian silly ass called Bertie, I mean Reggie, and a ferocious aunt rather in the mould of Bertie’s fearsome Aunt Agatha (the one who eats broken bottles and kills rats with her teeth), only worse. "Homicidal tendencies above and beyond the norm, even by aunt standards."

The Fourth Doctor and Romana (the wonderful Mary Tamm, who sadly died after recording this series – the tributes to her in the extras are very moving), are temporarily residing on Earth. (It's harmless. Mostly.) 1920s London, to be precise, in the guise of a Lord and Lady, while the TARDIS has been set to flit randomly around the universe (in the capable tin paws of K9) until the Black Guardian gets tired of chasing it.  The Doctor is devoting his time to building an etheric field disturbance detector (it detects disturbances in the etheric field, apparently) while a bored Romana decides to immerse herself in the scientific literature of the era (well, it should while away an afternoon). There’s also a young housemaid called Mabel, who’s hopeless at cooking kippers but does all right as a temporary companion for the Doctor (“try not to scream, fall over or wander off, and we should get on admirably.").

What ensues includes country estate shenanigans, alien technology, impassive valets, homicidal aunts and worst of all, the ever looming threat of….. marriage.

I really, really enjoyed listening to this. Tom Baker and Mary Tamm are terrific, as are the rest of the cast, including Julia Mckenzie as the eponymous auntie, Robert Portal as Reggie and Lucy Griffiths as Mabel. I loved Reggie and Romana's conversation in the bookshop, indeed all of self-confessed "first class chump" Reggie's lines were a joy, as were Auntie's ("That's rather the point, you abysmal goof."). Steeped in Wodehouse’s unique humour (and a bit of a Douglas Adams homage, too), it’s the Doctor Who episode that “Plum” would have written in the unlikely event that he’d ever have written a Doctor Who episode. And you can’t give higher praise than that.

What ho, chaps!